A Foreword by Joy at Ghostman on 3
Pimp Grits
Greetings. Unless you have previously entered into the world’s most privileged inner sanctum, then you probably don’t know who I am. That’s probably because I refuse to follow you on Twitter or friend you on Facebook. It’s not because I don’t like you (Touchy! Duh-I don’t know you), it’s because I am a little more sophisticated for all that nonsense. I have, instead, gone an even douchier route by starting a blog (Hence inner sanctum referenced above-keep up). Being opposed to all things related to “Generation Me,” I entered into the blogosphere with the trepidation of a moth to a flame. Trust me, it was that difficult…for me to pick a blog title. Strangely enough, it didn’t take too long for me to become fully engrossed in this new world. What began as a free hobby quickly became an expensive obsession. I have since learned that I am every bit as self-obsessed as any other 13 year old girl taking self-portraits in my bathroom of myself in my cutest training bra and Pink boyshorts (My mom says I can wear thongs when I am 15!).OMG- don’t leave before I give you the update on the cutie that sits next to me in Home Ec.
Anyways, along my journey into the complete and utter self-indulgence that is my blog, I have become painfully aware of some commonalities we all in the blogosphere share. I feel it is my duty, as a good, reliable friend, to at least make AJ aware of what her life is to become, etc. Don’t feel bad if you exhibit one or more of these qualities or feel like you can relate way too much with what I am saying. You are in a safe place.
First, people who blog have too much free time on their hands. Trust me-this shit doesn’t write itself. I have posts that took longer to compose than my thesis. That’s a fact. It all works out for the best, though. A real hobby or purpose in life would interfere with the process of perfecting your blog. Don’t even get me started on the outrageous amount of time spent searching for super cool music and pictures to share with your open-minded readers…which leads me to my second observation…
No one is really that interested in the cute pair of shoes you’ll never be able to afford, or the neat house in Croatia where you’ll never live, the live performance of your favorite song that you actually didn’t see live but embedded from YouTube, or the cute guy from that band that you’ll…nevermind. You get the picture. The point is, I am pretty sure no one ever clicks on that link that will take you to the greatest thing ever shown on the interweb. This bold statement can be easily proven by me. I have had nude pictures of AJ listed under a link to the “best ever Animal Collective performance” and not one word, comment or lawsuit has been made.
Thirdly, no matter how much we deny it, all bloggers,deep down, really want attention. MySpace and Facebook are just the gateway drugs to the meth that is blogging. Blogs provide you with an unlimited platform to discuss all things you. It is mind-boggling the number of consecutive days you can blog about yourself without once repeating yourself. It is so easy to get caught up in the whole blog culture, too. Next thing you know, your egocentricity has evolved to narcissistic tendencies. Luckily for AJ and me, we are well beyond this entry-level stage and enter into this world with full-blown narcissism.
Fourthly-and this is very important-drunk blogging is every bit as hazardous and irresponsible as drunk dialing and drunk texting. Alcohol elicits this “no holds barred” approach to your post that may cross some kind of proverbial line (That is, if your friends even have one. Good friends wouldn’t because they can handle the good with the bad) or if something hits “too close to home” and someone gets offended. Of course, this only happens if said offended person lacks a sense of humor (Time to make new friends-just a suggestion. Take it or leave it. I’ll never know, unless you were my friend and you quit talking to me, then I’ll most definitely know) or doesn’t know the blogger too well. Either way, I recommend a sobriety test if there are any doubts or hesitations prior to hitting that publish tab. This is easy to do if you are one of the lucky ones who has one of those breathalyzers installed in your car. If your car won’t allow you to make one last beer run, then it is probably a good idea to go ahead and save that draft until tomorrow. I say call it a night and revisit this post in the morning once you are done hugging the toilet and downing that Blood Mary (or coffee if you are a pussy. Either way-I’m not here to judge. I am here to warn and educate. Learn from me. Let me do this one thing for you). Seriously, there is no telling what kind of shit you began to spew last night once you reached that moment of clarity when you decided it was time to get naked or dance on car or eat a large pizza at 1am. All decisions made during this time will be bad.
Finally, there is no escaping the fact that your mom will ultimately be the only person who consistently reads your blog. She (or he, depending on how progressive your family is) will probably also be the only person who comments regularly. Many times, they have nothing to do with the post. She will most likely comment on the weather or your dad or if you saw Oprah on Tuesday. Anyways, having your mom as your #1 fan poses a few problems. You are going to lose a little bit of street cred with your bros. It wasn’t cool in middle school for your mom to be your BFF, so why would it be ok now that you are a grown ass…person/adult. You also can’t really talk about her if she is reading it daily. You can try the code name route, but pretty soon she will become curious as to why “Barb” is mad at you for not sending her a Mother’s Day card. You can be a badass motherfucker and just blast her ad lib. It’s not like holiday gatherings were fun to begin with, right?
So, having been briefed on what is to become her new life/what to expect, AJ has still decided to immerse herself into this underground world of self-important losers. I say-why the heck not?! Let’s all slip into something a little more comfortable, turn the lights down low and summon our inner pedophile (hopefully you have to dig deep….) as we nuzzle up to our computers and AJ in the Left Lane. Let’s get dirty, y’all! No-literally. I’ll get the shaving cream if someone else can grab a bottle of Manischewitz (blackberry, pls). Everybody-put on your cutest Hello Kitty garb and turn those web cams on. Chris Hansen can’t catch us all!
Now throw your hands in the air
And wave 'em like you just don't care
And if you like fish and grits and all that pimp shit
Then everybody say O-Yea-yer
And wave 'em like you just don't care
And if you like fish and grits and all that pimp shit
Then everybody say O-Yea-yer
Peace, love, and grits, y’all!
Ghostman on 3
